Who Wears the Trousers in this Family Anyway?
by mum-to-you
Summary: For my darling Twix, who is suffering from RemusSirius withdrawal in France. Very fluffy and fairly slashy, but the rating is for language.


Who Wears the Trousers in this Family Anyway?

Harry's twenty minutes were up. With a pop, his head disappeared from the kitchen fireplace at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Sirius and Remus just looked at each other intently for a moment. Then Sirius exploded.

"I'm going straight to Hogwarts and give that wanker what he deserves! Leaving Harry in the lurch like that. Probably hopes he does get killed or possessed or something. Screw him anyway! Who the hell does he think he is, defying a direct order from Dumbledore?"

Remus arched an eyebrow and smirked. "Oh, no, defying a direct order would be quite over the top, wouldn't it? Who in his right mind would ever do such a thing? Hmm. Let me think. Who's pulling on a cloak right now and preparing to leave headquarters against a direct order designed for his own safety and well-being? Want me to get a mirror so you can see him, too?"

"Sod off, Moony."

"Sit down, Padfoot."

"No."

"Sirius, I said sit down." Remus spoke to Sirius in that teacher voice he reserved for when Sirius was particularly out of order.

Sirius threw his cloak on the table, pulled a chair out from under the table with a jerk, and threw himself into it. Then he threw Remus a baleful look. Remus calmly paced back and forth in front of the hearth. Then he turned to Sirius with his hands in the pockets of his robes and said quietly, "Please let me handle this. Snape isn't quite as antagonistic towards me as he is towards you, and perhaps I can reason with him. Besides, it won't help Harry at all if you beat the crap out of his Occlumency tutor."

"He deserves it."

"Perhaps. But it still doesn't help Harry, does it? And isn't that the point of all this drama?" Remus lips twitched at the corners. Sirius brooded silently.

Remus looked up at the ceiling and sighed. "But that's not the main reason." He took a ragged breath and looked at Sirius. "I need you to let me do this, Padfoot."

"It's not your job, Remus," Sirius snarled, "I'm his godfather."

"I think it is my job. Or should be," Remus continued, unruffled.

This took Sirius aback. "What the hell are you talking about, Moony?

Remus reached out with one hand and brushed the hair back off Sirius' face and smiled. "Fancy being a single parent, do you, love? Tough job, I understand."

Sirius had not been expecting that and was momentarily speechless. Remus took the opportunity to continue. "Oddly enough, I'm thinking particularly about Arthur and Molly. You know she's perfectly capable of doing whatever Dumbledore needs her to do. In fact, knowing her, she'd as soon be in the thick of things. But she isn't, at least not often. And you know very well why. Because of the children. And just between us, Arthur had to do some pretty fast talking and a lot of yelling to convince her. He finally just had to put his foot down before she would give in."

"Whoa. I'd have paid good money to see that," Sirius put in, surprised.

"My point, Padfoot, is that they have a _plan_. The way they've worked things out between them, if anything happens to Arthur--worse than last time, I mean--Molly will be there for the children."

"That's different. She's a woman."

"Tell her that's what makes it different, and she'll have your left nadger, mate."

Sirius winced, covered his trouser zipper with his hand, and said, "Ouch." He smiled at Remus and then insisted, "I still think it makes a difference."

Remus slipped his hand behind Sirius' neck and bent down to kiss him. "So what you're saying, then, is that Molly and Arthur have a fundamentally different relationship from ours. Is that it?"

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean--oh, hell. I don't know what I mean." Sirius stood up and put his arms around Remus' waist. "It's that important to you, Moony?"

Remus smiled down at his lover and let his arms drape gracefully over his shoulders. "What, that we try to make some semblance of a family out of this rather rum situation? Of course, it's important to me!" He looked into Sirius' eyes and said softly. "I need you to let me in on this, Sirius."

Sirius sighed and put his forehead down on Remus' chest. "All right, then, Moony. All right."

Remus' arms tightened around Sirius, and he kissed him on the head. Then he lifted Sirius' face with one hand, looked into his eyes, and whispered, "Thank you, Padfoot."

Sirius cut off that train of thought with a long, passionate kiss, which Remus returned, intertwining his elegant fingers with Sirius' tangled hair. Sirius nipped Remus on the bottom lip with his teeth and grinned up at him. "Well, if I'm to be Mother, I best get the tea on, don't you think?"

As Sirius turned towards the kettle, Remus slapped him on the bum and asked, "Shall I pick you up an apron on my way back from reaming-- I mean, talking to Severus?" Remus smirked.

"Yes, dear. I think one with pretty flowers all over would do nicely," Sirius fluted in a high-pitched voice. Then he continued with a growl, "Don't even think about it, arsehole."

Remus laughed. "How about one that says 'Kiss the Cook' then?" He watched with amusement as Sirius, with a surprising efficiency, set about making tea. Then he walked over to the biscuit tin and took off the lid. Sirius slapped his hand away and growled, "That's my job, innit?"

"Actually, I was thinking we might just share the responsibilities. The way we've always done things," Remus suggested.

"So next week, you'll be Mum then, and I'll wear the trousers, is that it?" Sirius was clearly enjoying this conversation now.

Remus sobered slightly. "Next week is the full moon."

Sirius barked with laughter and put in, "Well, you really will be a bitch then, won't you?"

"I'll have you know I'm quite the alpha male as a werewolf, you mongrel."

"Maybe so, but you act like a bitch for three days after," Sirius insisted. "Yep, next week, I definitely get to be Dad. I'll probably have to put Harry on restriction for something, just on principle."

"Okay, then. But the week after, can I have the trousers back?" Remus asked, jokingly.

Sirius looked up at Remus with a smile, but his eyes glistened with tears. He reached out and took Remus' hand in his and said with a slightly choked voice, "It would appear that we've just given birth to bouncing teenage boy, Remus."

Remus just grinned, and then he thought for a moment and added, "I suppose we'll have to sit down with Harry this summer and have a little chat, won't we?" He snorted into his teacup. "That's something Molly and Arthur never had to do, I'll lay odds. As I said, it's a rum situation."

"Rum?" said Sirius, "I could do with a rum."

"You git."

"Prat."

"Wanker."

"Smart-arse."

"Tosser."

"Gob-shite."

"Smeg-head."

"_What?"_

"Smeg-head. I learnt that one from Ginny."

"Merlin, that's disgusting!"

"I love you, Padfoot."

"I love you, too, Moony."


End file.
